Blackmailing your family… Confucian style.

There is a reason that every girl wish to have a big brother – even they could be too protective sometimes, it’s still an enjoyable relation.

On the contrary, having a younger brother wouldn’t be such a lovely journey in China. Especially when you think of how old generation/rural residents favor sons much more than daughters. And if you put a bit of thought on Confucian’s filial piety code of always taking care of the old and the poor, family or not? Oops! It seems however the parents are assured with this blind loyalty,  the succeeding generation would like to stick to their own interpretation of the old theory.

A poor sister exposed her story of parents’ “blackmailing” 200,000 RMB from her younger brother. And WE are not happy.

Younger brother is getting married, parents ask me to provide 200,000 RMB, or they will cast me off！

I wanted to post this a few days ago, but I was too busy to do that. I am on a business trip today, having some extra time, so come to write this.

My brother is getting married – found a girlfriend by himself. My parents are very happy, saying that he finally did something a right thing, which is finding such a good girlfriend. So, they really hope him get married ASAP. But my brother is extremely poor, and my parents only have 10,000 RMB, so they expect me to pay for the rest expense.

Please note that it is pay for, not  to lend.

Expense include:

1. Build a house for my brother in town.
The land is readily available – my parents’ old house, located in between the town and rural area, also considered as shop front.  They request that there should be three shop front rooms on the first floor, one living room and one bedroom with a bathroom on the second floor, one master bedroom and one bedroom on the third floor, each with a bathroom. In the back of the house, there should be one kitchen and one pigpen. According to the above construction, my parents’ anticipated expense is that 110,000 RMB for construction, 20,000RMB for decoration, totally 130,000RMB. Furniture and home appliances will be brought by the bride as marriage portion.

2. Betrothal gifts: 60,000 RMB.

3. Wedding expense: 20,000 RMB.
Totally 210,000 RMB – 10,000 from my parents, 200,000 from my side.

Building a house and betrothal gifts are the bride family’s requests, which is out of a long time bargaining. If we do not agree with it, the bride’s parents won’t marry off their daughter. Her parents were not very satisfied with my brother, and even rejected him at first. But the girl insisted, so they finally agreed. My parents are very satisfied with this girl, so they have to accept their request.

I did not agree with my parents to pay 200,000 RMB; I promised to spend 50,000RMB. But my husband did not agree that either – he asked me to provide 10,000RMB, and then lend 10,000 to my brother.

When I told my parents this, they got mad at me. My father even suffered from high blood pressure and went to the hospital. Parents told me seriously that if I provide the money, they would cast me off.

My financial condition is as following:
My major was a promising one so that I was hired by a pretty good company in Shanghai as a researcher. Have graduated for three years. My first year’s annual income was about 150,000 RMB, the second year 200,000, the third, 250,000.

Last year I bought a small house, near the subway station. It cost 800,000 in total, 270,000 RMB down payment. It spent my entire savings.

Then I saved another 150,000 RMB after that.

After graduation, my husband was assigned to a remote country for three years and came back just several months ago, then got a promotion.My husband is the only child. His parents are teachers of ordinary secondary schools in another province. The financial support they could offer to my husband is limited, but at least they don’t need to worry about their own life.Before going abroad, my husband also bought a small house and will finish paying for the loan when returned.

We decided to get married when my husband was back, and planed to tell parents first. But a month ago, my parents informed me to give 200,000 RMB. They said that since I wasn’t married, what I earn should be regarded as original family’s income and shouldn’t be taken to my husband’s family. And they have a general idea of my income.

My husband rejected immediately when I told him about this. Then we hurried up in looking for a house.

It wasn’t long till we made up our mind to buy one. 900,000 RMB down payments – my husband covered 750,000 and I took care of the rest. The property permit is in both our names. The contract signed, money paid.

And now I am now a broke.

Comments from tianya users:

在这看小说
Your parents asked you to offer 200,000, then they must know you are able to do that. 200,000  means nothing to you. Parents are not able to help their youngest son; they just hope you can do something as the oldest child. Moreover, this is your brother’s marriage for life. Just treat it as spending 200,000 on honoring your parents, please?

dsfdevil
It depends on whether you have the ability to do that. Maybe you can lend some money to your brother if it would put you in awkward position. Let him pay back it when he has enough money.

llww1000
Is it fair to your husband?
Do not raise a daughter as a money tree.
Disown the daughter?
That’s OK!
Parents do not treat their daughter as daughter. Why should the daughter still treat them as parents?
Don’t say that parents are never wrong parents in the world. What a crap! It is just blind loyalty and piety.

泪滴秦筝
How shameless your parents are! Made such a request!? Raise the son if you give birth to him.
Spend the money that you have. Why suck the daughter’s blood to feed the son?

stonelike
You brother is also wrong. He shouldn’t get married if he hasn’t enough money. Your sister in law is inconsiderate, either. Just give the money that you can afford. You are one family anyway.

Heavytail
Guess that you aren’t able to provide the 200,000 according to your income; maybe the expense will be paid by your husband…

琳儿不哭
You could give them some money appropriately, but 200,000RMB is not reasonable. After all, it’s your brother’s own marriage. If he didn’t try his best, why requesting the sister to afford the expense? I am more in favor of what your husband said. However, you can give 10,000 RMB more. Others is your brother’s concern.

东方琉璃
I suspect that whether the guys who support the sister to give out money all have a younger brother who is just no good for nothing?

Not saying that the sister shouldn’t give the money. As family, you will help when you should…But all the expense will be paid by sister?! Isn’t it out of line… especially that the brother is lazy, greedy and poor… Or you wanna raise him until he dies?

雨木华年
Frankly, your parents went a bit too far. But seeing what you said later, I think you are not a good thing, either. No matter how capable you are, it costs a lot for a rural family to raise a graduate student. It cannot be measured in monetary terms at that time. Of course, I have no offence for your husband. After all, he isn’t in your family side.

紫苏地榆
If you give the 200,000 RMB, you might will be requested to pay for the wedding. In addition, the betrothal gift will be your business and later their children will be raised by you, too. What’s more? Will you be responsible for their retired life?

pgyzero
It’s a little bit difficult to handle this kind of things.
Why not suggest separate the family property? And then you can give part of your belongings to your brother. It will not only take the affection into consideration, but also fit everyone’s interests. It should be more acceptable.

ljz888666555
Please forgive me to assume that, if the 200,000 RMB is not given to your brother, but to healing your parents, will you pay for it?

不好好吃饭就屠城
Your parents have raised you for 20 years.
Now they just want you to give an annual income to help them accomplish a lifetime will.
You are reluctant to do that?

loveseat
Do your parents want you to support your brother and his whole family for a lifetime? Reject it directly. Of course, you should support your parents, but you are not responsible for your brother’s life. It’s already enough for you to pay 10,000 and lend 10,000.
Seeing your brother like this, your parents must be supported by you in future.

newland2010
The old saying goes “The daughter who married off is just like the water poured out on the ground”. So the tradition is that what daughters earn before they get married belongs to her original home. Or it’s really losing money in raising daughters, for only sons could take responsibility to support parents. People like the OP, might expectes to take care of her parents by taking them in town to her home?

大气绿洲
I used to hear how selfless the parents love their children.
After growing up, I find things are totally different sometimes.

大漠古城
My situation is almost the same as yours. I have a brother, too. These days, my parents insist on my promising to be responsible for my brother’s marriage and house problem.
I’ve been in trouble recently.

前后左右大小
Now you say that you are without money and that your husband won’t give you the bankbook. It’s so…
Anyway, the good-for-nothing brother, the softhead sister…

绿尘
Just pay for the money depending on your ability. The principle is that you won’t regret doing this in future. In accordance with your couple’s income, actually, you can give more money to your brother. Certainly that it is not easy for you to live in Shanghai. It’s also reasonable for you to lay a good foundation on your own life first.

yiwanshangle
As a man, I personally think that you are not obligated to pay 200,000. It’ s right to support parents, but it’s unreasonable for the daughter to pay for brother’s marriage expense.
Not to mention that isn’t it obvious ripping off their son-in-law’s money to their son?
Those persons who ask OP to pay the money just live as the role of OP’s brother in real life.

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